Felt good to get that out in the open. Now I wait…. I guess. w

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What’s more, I’m kinda developing a crush on another person atm. She’s a really nice girl that I’ve met only recently, but she’s really sweet. Talking to her seems really easy and comforting. I seem to vibe on a very similar level whenever we talk. She even took time out to talk to me while I was in the hospital and gave me best wishes/advice.

Unfortunately, I already know there’s 0 chance that we’ll ever be together. I’ve accepted that fact and that’s totally fine. I can’t imagine anyone feeling these feeling about me anyway, regardless. I just don’t know what to do next. Should I tell her about the feelings I’ve been developing for her? Would she be freaked out and not talk to me again? Or would she still let me admire her from afar? Ahhhhhh!!! I hate emotions! Holy Fuck! Why does everything have to be so hard!?

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Finally released from Stanford Hospital this morning. For those of you who were curious, I’ve been there since Tuesday night, wallowing in my own emotions, blood, sweat, and flem all caused by an accidental Vicodin overdose. I find it really hard to recall the events of the past few days. I get migraines attempting to recall the most vague details.

From what I DO recall due to activity on other social networks, I apparently went home for a few hours at one point before being admitted back to the ER later that night. Even more charcoal was to come into me this week. Apparently my parents refused to visit me, and I’ve sparked some sort of war with them. I guess I also called a girl I’ve had a thing for for the past 3 or so years, asking for a relationship for one last time before finally giving up. Apparently she had admitted to using me all of this time and hasn’t contacted me since. (Honestly, that part doesn’t surprise me.) My only visitor this weekend was my brother, who was the one that called the ambulance those nights. Just as well. I wouldn’t enjoy friends seeing me in such a weak state anyway.

Now I’m finally back home. Taking a shower felt great, though I’m still getting cold chills from being in a secluded room for nearly a week. I’m still racking my brain, attempting to find out why I’m still so depressed. I understand how this experience could be traumatic to someone, but somehow I’m left unphased by the whole hospital experience itself. I just feel heartbroken and down for the most part… My friends have tried their best to cheer me up and while I’m forever appreciative, I just can’t seem to get my shit together. Maybe I’m still feeling the sideffects of the depressants? Idk? I’m just so lost atm.

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by 真仁乃

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